Dear Jane,
My wife and I had our first baby two years ago – and since she gave birth, our sex life has been, well, non-existent. Initially, I wanted to give her time after the pregnancy and the birth to feel comfortable with intimacy again.
But when she told me that she was ready to try and get back to our sex life pre-baby, I found myself really struggling because I just don’t feel attracted to her anymore.
I love my wife, but she’s kind of let herself go since she had our son. Obviously weight gain during pregnancy is unavoidable, but it felt like she no longer cared about what she looked like during that time. She stopped wearing makeup, she started eating a lot of junk, and those habits haven’t really changed since our little boy was born.
She told me the other day that she’s gained 50lbs since her pre-baby days. And the awful truth is that I just don’t find larger women attractive. I fell for my wife because she was slim and athletic. She took such pride in her body and her fitness, and now that woman appears to have disappeared forever.
Dear Jane, my wife gained 50lbs after she gave birth to her son – and I’m no longer attracted to her. How do I tell her I miss her slim, athletic body?
Now when she wants to have sex I find myself making excuses because quite frankly I just don’t want to. I don’t know how to tell her that she just doesn’t do it for me anymore.
She’s a wonderful mother to our son and I admire that so much about her, but I think that sex is a really important part of any marriage and can’t see myself going on like this for much longer.
How can I be honest with her without her hating me?
From, Weighed Down
Dear Weighed Down,
It is indeed pretty awful to read that you fell for your wife because she was slim and athletic, and took such pride in her body and fitness. No mention of her personality, humor, shared interests or indeed anything other than the superficial.
I wonder what would happen were she to be in an accident where she was disfigured – or how you’d feel if she lost a limb.
I don’t have to wonder very hard because it does rather seem that you married your wife largely for superficial reasons.
Falling in love with someone means the whole package; it’s not just what they look like or how much makeup they wear, but the whole kit and kaboodle. And loving someone means you accept them as they are, as they were, and as they will be.
Perhaps the reasons for her no longer caring about make-up or what she looks like is because she is unhappy. Perhaps she’s subconsciously using her weight gain to push you away. Over-eating can often be a way of coping with unhappiness, or attempting to numb feelings of pain.
Either way, none of us stay the same through the years.
Women’s bodies change enormously when they are having babies, and again, going through menopause. We go through phases when we wear makeup, and phases when we don’t. The beauty of marriage is discovering real intimacy through growing together and trusting each other.
Marriages that work, that have real intimacy, are built on a foundation deeper than looks.
I have two suggestions. The first is to forget about the weight gain and focus on the things you love about your wife on the inside. She told you the other day that she gained 50lbs. I’m wondering whether, as someone who took great pride in her athletic body, it’s possible that she may not be feeling great about it either.
So the second part of the advice is to ask her, lovingly, how she feels about her weight gain, and try and find out what’s going on for her. If she is happy as she is, you have your answer. If, on the other hand, she would love to get back to her former shape, you can ask how you can support her.
Dear Jane,
At the age of 72 I feel my life is over.
I married a man who, I came to realize after our divorce, was a narcissist. His behavior during our 22-year marriage cost me dearly in terms of losing friends and me not fulfilling my potential in my job. And now I feel that anyone I get close to moves out of my life.
After my divorce, I grew close to a friend whose husband suddenly died; we supported each other by going on outings and trips. But now she spends most of her time with her family, who live nearby – and while I know this is natural, it feels as though I’ve become the friend who she only calls when nobody else is around.
Another friend has just gone into care many miles away and I miss her.
I have two lovely children and precious grandchildren who live fairly close. I have looked after my son’s children on numerous occasions. But now they are older, they don’t need looking after and so I don’t see them as much.
Again I have looked after my daughter and partner’s son ever since he was a baby.
He is now reaching the age where I was looking forward to taking him out and about. However, it is likely that the family will be moving many miles away so this will not be possible – and I am terrified that I will not be near to the daughter who I get on with so well.
I have offered the hand of friendship to people with offers of trips out or just a chat over tea, but nothing seems to come of it. I really feel very despondent and in all honesty feel like giving up.
I do accept that people have their own lives to live but just feel mine is so empty.
Any advice much appreciated.
From, Lonely Living
Dear Lonely Living,
You do indeed sound lonely, and yet you have so many wonderful people around you. Your children and grandchildren live close, and whilst you might no longer be taking them on day trips, there are plenty of other things you could offer to do with them now that they are older.
You say that you feel anyone you get close to moves out of your life, but other than your friend who is more involved with family, you seem to have people around you. Feelings, however strong they are, are not facts; it is wise to set the feeling aside and start counting your blessings.
Keep on doing exactly what you are doing. So many of us are extraordinarily lonely, and it is hard to extend the hand of friendship, but you have been doing it. Thus far, nothing may have come of it, but the more you put into friendships, the more you will get out. If the people you have met don’t seem to be becoming real friends, move on until you find the people who will.
As you rightly pointed out, we don’t need a lot of friends; often it’s only having one or two people around who really understand us.
I think what’s missing in your life is purpose. Right now you’re defined by what you do for other people, who may not need you in the same way. Find more purpose, whether it’s volunteering, taking up classes, doing service in some way. The more you surround yourself with, the more you’re learning and focusing on something other than loneliness, the less lonely you will be.